why are you so cruel?

Have you ever wonder how a words from a person can affect your life so much? Like you are trying so hard not to let that words ruin your day but its just too hard not to think about it. I totally understand how sometimes when people are mad they just spit everything out of their mouth without even thinking, but what hurts is when they know they hurt your feeling they don't have the guts to admit it that they're wrong. Fine maybe I was wrong, but it doesn't mean you can just say those mean words and expect me to come to you and say sorry. HELLO you hurt my feelings, so I am not the one who have to say sorry. Yeah.. No thanks. I don't usually deal with my problem, all I do is ignoring it until its gone. I know thats not a good thing to do, but… oh well. I have never ever feel this hurt by words people said to me, but this time it was different. His words was actually hurtful enough to make me bursting into tears in the bathroom. Im not a crier. I usually don't give a damn about what he has to say, but this time he just crossed the line. I mean it like he crossed it far away from the line. How can you be cruel like that, don't you think I have feelings? Its one thing to call me stupid but its just way out of the line when you start calling me disappointment or how you wish you can just give me up for an adoption. It wasn't because I didn't open the door while i am in the middle of a fucking shower, and instead of being so smart and actually take the m'fcking key when you left the freaking hotel room, you blame me for not opening the door. You expect me to come outside the bathroom with hair full of shampoo and grab my towel and open the door for you, guess what asshole? NO thanks. Oh yeah and i figure it out that the problem is not because I didn't open the door for you its more like because I missed the morning service. I always go to church every single sunday and now because i missed one sunday service I am a freaking atheist? Yeah who's the dummy now. Oh FYI its not because I missed the service its more because everyone see that I wasn't there, and people start assuming shit so lets just say he is embarrassed that I wasn't there and he is scared that people would think that he's a bad parent because his daughter didn't show her nose in front of everyone. Its easy you can just say someone kidnap me the night before so I didn't show up at the service or just tell them I am not your daughter anymore, I don't know you are smart you can make up some stupid story so you wouldn't feel embarrass. I never thought that you would ever spit those words out of your mouth, but you did. When I feel hurt, I don't care who you are I am not gonna say anything to you. Lets just say you are NOTHING to me, you are dead to me. I will never say sorry, because I am not sorry for anything. I never wanted to come to that retreat in the first place, wanna know why? because I hate spending time with you, because it never goes smoothly when the four of us spend time together. Its always end up as a disaster. That is why I rather stay at home and being a loner than spend time with you.

#latenightpost

Have you ever feel like you have a solution for your problems, you figured everything out but in the end its just another dead end? Thats what I'm feeling right now. It seems like i found a light at the end of a tunnel but it turn out only a way to out of the tunnel into a long lost island in the middle of nowhere. Amazing, i know. Now i'm just waiting for a boat to rescue me, which i dont know when is that gonna happen. Well, all i can think of is God is never too late, and he will show me another way out. Cause he will never give a snake to people who ask for a bread, and he will never give a poison to people who ask for water. I honestly cant think of another way to solve my problem, but just have to be  positive and put everything in his hand. he is able. 

Good night, Xo.

A couple days a go i reached the climax where I cant help it but all i can do was crying all night, literally until my eyes looks like a giant puff in the morning. I kinda feel like there is no hope, and all i can see is a dead end. I feel so stupid for every sec when I questioned where is Jesus at a time like this. At that moment i questioned everything, and I feel so stupid that i felt that way. That night was the worst day of my life. All my mom said to me was "pray & dont forget to read the bible. He'll answer your prayer" at that time I cant even say any prayer, all I did was staring at the ceiling for hours and crying. Aroubd 3 in the morning I decided to pray, and i simply said "all i have right now is my faith, i believe you will never leave me alone" and I slept. Cant really say whats my problem is but yeah... I didnt go to school simply because i havent slept all night and I look like i just punch in the eyes. When I woke up the next day I dont feel any difference, not yet. Through out the day I tried to come up with solution, and at one point I kinda have a solution for my problem. It might works, MIGHT works. I honestly cant stop thinking about it, even at school. So, just a couple min a go when I was about to sleep I remember I havent prayed yet, so I did. I said the same things "you brought me this far, I know you will give me the best solution, and all I have is my faith. Maybe I have too much faith, but the only thing that keep me going is my faith" and then I remember how my mom always tell me to read the bible every night, even just one verse every night. So after I pray, i open my bible in my phone. In my bible app they have "verse of the day" and then it shock me how the verse of the day is some sign that I need. The verse says "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened" (Matthew 7:7, 8)

After I read the verses i honestly feel stronger than before. I know he listens to my prayer, he always does. He might not answer it right away but he will answer it in a right time. In his time. I feel much better right now, I feel so calm. I know he will never leave me in the middle of the journey, he brought me this far and I know this just a small bump in my road to success, he just wants to see how faithful I am to him and he wants to see how far i will stay through a hard times like this one. He is The only God, the only way. I believe he already have something amazing for me! He will never let me down, he always gives the best to his children.

Good night (:

I want to jump from the bridge, take any drugs until I'm O.D, or take a shot until I passed out or anything that can make me forget about today.

I dont wanna wake up tomorrow.

I don't know how am I going to wake up tomorrow.

At a time like this, I wish I'm at the hospital and dying.

Maybe that way I don't feel what I feel right now.

I have never ever in my life feeling so disappointed like now.

I am so speechless right now.

So many things going trough my mind.

Why? I just want to know why this is happening to me right now.

I feel broken hearted.

I am hurt.

Its not fair if I feel disappointed in God, but I feel like where is he when I need him? I thought my prayer was answered, but turn out it just causing another problem.

Maybe he is testing my faith.

Maybe…

Maybe He just want to see how far would I stick with him through this.

Maybe…

My chest hurt, I can't breathe.

I don't know what to say, I honestly don't.

What should I do? I want to give up so bad.

there are no words can describe how broken hearted I am right now.

The pain is too painful to handle.

Im just a human, I'm not strong like a steel.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, I don't know what I should do. I don't know about everything.

I don't even know what do I believe in anymore.

I just need an answer, just an answer.

I'm not lucky but I'm blessed!

I feel extremely blessed this week. Even though i feel so weak this week, but this blessing really keep me strong. First I got a letter from Baldwin Wallace University. I didnt think i would get accepted there but I was shock when i see the letter in it. Then I read the next paper, and it shocked me completely in a good way. I have never thought, not even a bit that they give me a scholarship, and they give me $15000 scholarship. I was really happy. I feel like this scholarship really pushing me to finish school strong, and never give up. I am very thankful for this blessing. Sometimes I feel like i dont deserve any of this.

Then, earlier today during 6th period I was checking my email, and when I see one email from Northern Arizona University, when i open it I see the congratulation word on it. It really made my day, why? Because i actually got accepted into another school. It was really a blessing.

It doesnt stop just right there, a couple days a go i received a letter from my school, and it says that I invited to senior awards night. The first thing that came up to my mind was "Award? For what?" So i decided to go, and i was clueless on what award i was receiving. When i got to school They gave me like a paper on who get what award, and I saw my name on the list "MHS guidance counselor scholarship" I was like "WHAT??" And then the event start and after a couple awards goes by, my counselor got into the podium and called me to get up to the stage to receive the award, and she was saying all the nice thing about me. She said "Larasati came to us from Indonesia, and she is a hard working student, and she never give up on everything she does" I was overwhelming and happy. Oh anyway I got $300 scholarship. I've been struggling to come up with the money for my college deposit, and most of them are either $200 or $300 and I was like "if there is any way I can come up with the money and I don't have to make my dad pay for it that would be great" and I've been praying a lot about it, and God seriously work in a mysterious and amazing way, and by this scholarship now i don't have to worry about the money for the deposit money.

A couple days a go I was at facebook looking through an old picture, and then I saw this quote on my timeline, it says "when we pray, God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask and give more than what we can imagine... In His on time and in His own way" and now I can say that it is true, with all the blessing he has given to me this week it proves that all the words on that quote is true.

My birthday week has been full of blessing, and I believe He has more for me in the future. God is good, even too good sometimes <3 font="" nbsp="">

Maybe that night I should've told you how i feel about you.

Maybe i should've said i love you too when you told me through the phone.

But whats the point of it?

You choose to date another girl.

Maybe distance scares you or maybe you didn't mean it when you told me you love me.

One thing that I dont understand, is it that to forget me?

Does it really takes you 2 days to forget me and move on?

I just want to know did we really have something real between us, or was it just love at the moment and then fade away?

After 3 years, maybe its too late to fix anything.

Maybe none of us wants to fix this.

I tried to say Hi, but no respond.

I think its clear that you don't want to have anything to do with me.

Its cool, all good.

I just need some closure, an honest answer, and i can get over it.

Or maybe after all I dont need a closure, I just have to suck it up and get over it.

One thing i want to say is I miss "Us", and I miss you.

Pandora + tumblr + insomnia = stuck in the deepest hole of loneliness.

Have you ever feel so lonely that all you can do is stare at the ceiling hoping that the feeling fade away?

Just letting you know, if you are in the deepest hole of depression or loneliness just dont listen to pandora especially bruno mars' station. It just gonna suck you in even deeper that you cant go out of the hole. Trust me.

Homesick and feeling lonely is the worst combination of all time. I dont miss jakarta, i just miss the people who live there, my best friends. I know i would never feel this lonely if im surrounded by them :( *sigh*

When people say distance does not matter, they are liar. Line, whatsapp, twitter, path or even skype cant change the fact that i'm thousand miles away from them and not to mention time differences between California and Jakarta.

Distance can suck a d*ck.

Fuhhh I miss my friends bruh *tears*

G night.

So, since i don't have school tomorrow I decided to stay up late and talk to some of my old pal back in Indo. I miss them. Fuuhhh I'm homesick *sad face*
Actually I can't sleep not just because I'm homesick more like Im homesick and I have a lot of things in my mind. I prefer talk to my blog rather than people about my problem, simply because no one really read my blog and my blog is actually rely helpful to make me feel better. A night like this make me wanna swallow some clorox. lol just kidding. So, as you know It's almost my birthday *YEAAAY* and its almost time for me to get out of high school too *YEAY AGAIN*. My birthday is literally in 3 days, and my graduation is in 29 days. Woooh I'm too excited! hookah bar it is on the 26th! lol. talking about graduation, I'm happy finally I can get out of high school but the only part that I don't like is the fact that I have to decide where I'm gonna go for college. The deadline is on may 1st and I'm still clueless where I'm gonna go. HEEEELP. First I knew I kinda wanna go to Univ of Hartford but then they don't give me any financial aid or any kind of loan, this is sad. Oh well… -_- actually, I'm still waiting for decision from other school. I kinda want to go to Hofstra Univ or Philadelphia Univ but I'm not even sure I'm gonna get accepted there *finger crossed* This is so frustrating.

This is kinda random but have you ever miss someone so bad that you just want to take a shot as much as you can until you can't even feel anything? yeah that's what I'm feeling right now. it sucks. Yea I know I can just start a conversation with this person but I don't want to. Why? because I haven't talk to this person in years, and the fact that this person never try to hmu then why should I? ya feel me? Fuhhh I hate my life right now.

can someone like tell this person that I miss him? 

I don't know why I stay tuned on Bruno Mars' station at pandora, this station makes me 10,000x even sadder than before. I hate you pandora. Its just like a matter of second I'm gonna start crying. I better go to sleep now.

G night yall :)

No title.

You held my hand really tight.

was it because you want to show everyone that you can or because you really have a real feeling for me?

You saved me a seat next to you every time we go out to eat with our friends

was it because you want to be close to me?

You kissed me in front of everyone.

was it because you love me or was it just to show everyone that you can?

You hug me really tight, and you told me you love me.

was it real or it was just another lie you told me?

sometimes I ask myself, what would happen if I say yes when you asked me out the first time?

What could have gone differently or is it just gonna last a few weeks like all your relationship with other women?

You treated me like I was the one, like I'm the only girl but you always end up with other girls.

In the end you always come back to me when it doesn't work out with them.

honestly, out of all guy that I ever close with, you are the only one who have the nerve in front of everyone to do such a thing. 

You were never afraid to say you love me, or kiss me in front of everyone.

You treated me the way I always wanted to be treated by a guy. 

but again, was it real?

When you told me you love me through the phone, I was just froze and I couldn't say anything.

I was thinking about it.

At one point I want to give it a try.

I was about to tell you how I feel the next day, but you ruined it.

You know what you did.

My heart skipped a beat. I can't believe you did that. 

Was it that easy for you to move on to the next girl or was it a payback for what I said to "that guy"?

Maybe we both messed it up pretty bad that day.

Its like every time I'm sure about how I feel about you, you always ruin it.

Why do you have to go after another girl when I'm sure about my feelings?

Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I'm pretty sure all the things you told me was a lie.

why? because you never actually make an effort to talk to me again.

Is it because distance, or is it because you've never actually had a real feeling for me?

Whatever it is, I don't care.

I miss you, I do.

but you're just a memory, a good one but also the bad one.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!

Happy new year to all of you out there! (: 

to class of 2013, THIS IS OUR YEAR! 

Hello folks! I know I haven't been here since a long time a go. I don't really have time to post something here, or let just say I am lazy haha. So yeah, This is a new year. I hope this year is a better year for me, 2012 was good enough. I went to the deepest black hole in the end of 2012, but then I got back on my feet and I actually survive. I don't really do any resolution, but I do have a bucket list this year. I don't know it just sound a lot of fun. I have a couple things I want to achieve thou this year, but I don't like to call it resolution, lets just call it my  list. I'm gonna share some of them.

My List

1. Graduate High School

2. Loose Weight

3. More active at church.

3. Spend more time with my family.

4. Drink more water, and less soda.

5. More focus at school.

6. Get a job.

7. Do insanity at least once a month (Heyyy thats not bad for a lazy ass right? :p)

I think 7 list is not too much to ask for right? Anyway let me tell you How was my new year. The original plan was go to church service then go to a kickback with Fidelia, but turn out the church service done at 12;30 and Fidelia said people start to go home, so we didn't end up go to the KB, and I stay at my pastor's house. We did BBQ, and i was at food comma. It was chill and fun. I was happy because i actually spend new year with my parents because I believe that next year will be different, and I might not spend new year with them since I am going away for college, or idk i said I MIGHT. My new year was chill, and we go to rose parade actually.

ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!