Maybe that night I should've told you how i feel about you.

Maybe i should've said i love you too when you told me through the phone.

But whats the point of it?

You choose to date another girl.

Maybe distance scares you or maybe you didn't mean it when you told me you love me.

One thing that I dont understand, is it that to forget me?

Does it really takes you 2 days to forget me and move on?

I just want to know did we really have something real between us, or was it just love at the moment and then fade away?

After 3 years, maybe its too late to fix anything.

Maybe none of us wants to fix this.

I tried to say Hi, but no respond.

I think its clear that you don't want to have anything to do with me.

Its cool, all good.

I just need some closure, an honest answer, and i can get over it.

Or maybe after all I dont need a closure, I just have to suck it up and get over it.

One thing i want to say is I miss "Us", and I miss you.

Pandora + tumblr + insomnia = stuck in the deepest hole of loneliness.

Have you ever feel so lonely that all you can do is stare at the ceiling hoping that the feeling fade away?

Just letting you know, if you are in the deepest hole of depression or loneliness just dont listen to pandora especially bruno mars' station. It just gonna suck you in even deeper that you cant go out of the hole. Trust me.

Homesick and feeling lonely is the worst combination of all time. I dont miss jakarta, i just miss the people who live there, my best friends. I know i would never feel this lonely if im surrounded by them :( *sigh*

When people say distance does not matter, they are liar. Line, whatsapp, twitter, path or even skype cant change the fact that i'm thousand miles away from them and not to mention time differences between California and Jakarta.

Distance can suck a d*ck.

Fuhhh I miss my friends bruh *tears*

G night.

So, since i don't have school tomorrow I decided to stay up late and talk to some of my old pal back in Indo. I miss them. Fuuhhh I'm homesick *sad face*
Actually I can't sleep not just because I'm homesick more like Im homesick and I have a lot of things in my mind. I prefer talk to my blog rather than people about my problem, simply because no one really read my blog and my blog is actually rely helpful to make me feel better. A night like this make me wanna swallow some clorox. lol just kidding. So, as you know It's almost my birthday *YEAAAY* and its almost time for me to get out of high school too *YEAY AGAIN*. My birthday is literally in 3 days, and my graduation is in 29 days. Woooh I'm too excited! hookah bar it is on the 26th! lol. talking about graduation, I'm happy finally I can get out of high school but the only part that I don't like is the fact that I have to decide where I'm gonna go for college. The deadline is on may 1st and I'm still clueless where I'm gonna go. HEEEELP. First I knew I kinda wanna go to Univ of Hartford but then they don't give me any financial aid or any kind of loan, this is sad. Oh well… -_- actually, I'm still waiting for decision from other school. I kinda want to go to Hofstra Univ or Philadelphia Univ but I'm not even sure I'm gonna get accepted there *finger crossed* This is so frustrating.

This is kinda random but have you ever miss someone so bad that you just want to take a shot as much as you can until you can't even feel anything? yeah that's what I'm feeling right now. it sucks. Yea I know I can just start a conversation with this person but I don't want to. Why? because I haven't talk to this person in years, and the fact that this person never try to hmu then why should I? ya feel me? Fuhhh I hate my life right now.

can someone like tell this person that I miss him? 

I don't know why I stay tuned on Bruno Mars' station at pandora, this station makes me 10,000x even sadder than before. I hate you pandora. Its just like a matter of second I'm gonna start crying. I better go to sleep now.

G night yall :)

No title.

You held my hand really tight.

was it because you want to show everyone that you can or because you really have a real feeling for me?

You saved me a seat next to you every time we go out to eat with our friends

was it because you want to be close to me?

You kissed me in front of everyone.

was it because you love me or was it just to show everyone that you can?

You hug me really tight, and you told me you love me.

was it real or it was just another lie you told me?

sometimes I ask myself, what would happen if I say yes when you asked me out the first time?

What could have gone differently or is it just gonna last a few weeks like all your relationship with other women?

You treated me like I was the one, like I'm the only girl but you always end up with other girls.

In the end you always come back to me when it doesn't work out with them.

honestly, out of all guy that I ever close with, you are the only one who have the nerve in front of everyone to do such a thing. 

You were never afraid to say you love me, or kiss me in front of everyone.

You treated me the way I always wanted to be treated by a guy. 

but again, was it real?

When you told me you love me through the phone, I was just froze and I couldn't say anything.

I was thinking about it.

At one point I want to give it a try.

I was about to tell you how I feel the next day, but you ruined it.

You know what you did.

My heart skipped a beat. I can't believe you did that. 

Was it that easy for you to move on to the next girl or was it a payback for what I said to "that guy"?

Maybe we both messed it up pretty bad that day.

Its like every time I'm sure about how I feel about you, you always ruin it.

Why do you have to go after another girl when I'm sure about my feelings?

Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I'm pretty sure all the things you told me was a lie.

why? because you never actually make an effort to talk to me again.

Is it because distance, or is it because you've never actually had a real feeling for me?

Whatever it is, I don't care.

I miss you, I do.

but you're just a memory, a good one but also the bad one.

2 0 1 3

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!

Happy new year to all of you out there! (: 

to class of 2013, THIS IS OUR YEAR! 

Hello folks! I know I haven't been here since a long time a go. I don't really have time to post something here, or let just say I am lazy haha. So yeah, This is a new year. I hope this year is a better year for me, 2012 was good enough. I went to the deepest black hole in the end of 2012, but then I got back on my feet and I actually survive. I don't really do any resolution, but I do have a bucket list this year. I don't know it just sound a lot of fun. I have a couple things I want to achieve thou this year, but I don't like to call it resolution, lets just call it my  list. I'm gonna share some of them.

My List

1. Graduate High School

2. Loose Weight

3. More active at church.

3. Spend more time with my family.

4. Drink more water, and less soda.

5. More focus at school.

6. Get a job.

7. Do insanity at least once a month (Heyyy thats not bad for a lazy ass right? :p)

I think 7 list is not too much to ask for right? Anyway let me tell you How was my new year. The original plan was go to church service then go to a kickback with Fidelia, but turn out the church service done at 12;30 and Fidelia said people start to go home, so we didn't end up go to the KB, and I stay at my pastor's house. We did BBQ, and i was at food comma. It was chill and fun. I was happy because i actually spend new year with my parents because I believe that next year will be different, and I might not spend new year with them since I am going away for college, or idk i said I MIGHT. My new year was chill, and we go to rose parade actually.

ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!

Never worry, cause you have him.

This is one of the night that i can't sleep because my thoughts. I honestly so excited that I'm a senior and for sure I will graduate next year, one thought that always holding me back is what if I don't get accepted to the school that i want to? What if I'm not smart enough to get into a good school? What if…. and what if. I know for a fact that I'm not a 4.0 student, and for sure I'm not the smartest girl in my school. Sure I took Honors classes last year, and Im taking some AP and Honor class this year but I know that will NEVER guarantee that I will get accepted into the school that I want to. I aways ask myself why do i have such a big dream to get into a school that have a name? WHY? Why can't i be one of those student who thinks that its okay if I just go to some random school? Why can't i be one of them so I don't have to work my butt off to get an A in every single subject I'm taking. I'm surely not an A student, I have a good grades and an average GPA. My GPA is average 3.47, for some people having a 3.0 GPA is good enough, but not for me. Why? because i know all the school that I have in mind rarely accept a student who have average GPA. I know not all of the school just look at your grades, and they also see how active you're in school but I know I barely involve in any club in school. When I was a sophomore I'm so confident that I will get into the school that I want to, but now? I'm not even sure. Do you want to know why I worry so much? it all started in registration day, and I came to see my counselor. After had a talk about all my classes, suddenly she asks me "uhm.. do you know which school do you want to go high school?" with a confident I said "cornell university". She looked at me with a worry face and replied "Cornell? The one in NY?" and I nod. "What's your GPA again, hun?" I told her my GPA is 3.47. Suddenly she become quiet and look at me for a second, and she said "do you know that 3.47 is not high enough to get into that school? I mean, it's a good school, but I don't think 3.47 is high enough." This time I'm the one who became quiet. I have nothing to say, because what she said its true. In other word she's saying that I'm not smart enough to go to that school. Honestly, after she said that all my hopes from 100% down to below 0.  After that day,  all I can think of is what she said "3.47 is not HIGH enough to go to that school".

Until one day, I went to church on sunday as usual, but that day my favorite pastor from Indonesia come to California for my uncle's church birthday. As I listen to him, suddenly he say "Tuhan tidak akan mengecewakan anak anaknya, dia tidak akan membawa kamu sejauh ini hanya untuk di kecewakan. Mungkin buat orang orang itu mustahil, tapi tidak buat tuhan Yesus, Nothing is impossible in HIS name." After he said that all of a sudden I feel like there is hope for me. He brought me this far, so I know He has a great plan for me. He will NEVER ever disappoint me. I know for a fact that only HE can get me into that school. No matter how hard I try without his help it will never happen. Since that day I always say to myself  "pray, ask for his help cause without his help that will never happen, and never worry about how you gonna pay for college cause He already prepare everything for you. Just try hard, never give up, pray and let him worry about the rest"

I will never let anyone tell me that I'm not good enough to go to school that I want to, I will never let anyone crush my dream, and I will never let myself give up on my dreams. I'm HIS daughter, and a father will never disappoint his daughter. I always keep that in my mind. Soon, I will see what is his plan for me, and I know whatever his plan is, he has the best one for me :)